Sss. This is all I can hear. With the lightest course-load I have ever known, a wonderful group of accepting, loving, and endearing friends around me, and one final semester left in college, I am all set to have the best semester ever. And I am having it, aren't I?
As it stands now, I am happily enrolled to attend NYU School of Medicine this coming fall. After years of endless hard work that began in high school and will culminate in my graduation from Cornell University, I will be taking my first official steps towards becoming a doctor. I have waited so long for this semester. So, what's the problem?
There are times that I can enjoy everything about the world around me. My eyes are set on the future, my parents (and grandparents) stand proudly behind me, and everything is in perfect perspective. My life here has been temporary. A transition designed only to prepare me for the real world. So why is the thought of leaving is all that scary? Because in some strange way, Cornell, even Ithaca, has become my home. I yearn for it when I am on break, I miss it during summer. I enjoy my townhouse and the person who I share it with. I love my fellow RA's, my friends, the people around me. The pure liberty and perfection of it all is something that I never truly saw coming.
When I consider the past 3.5 years, I am overwhelmed by the volume of friends, best friends, boyfriends (well, not by the volume here, but the quality of the few...) that I have had here. I have met some of the most amazing people, many of whom have changed my outlook on life and the very person I have become and will continue to become in the future. Many of these people have already left me. Last year hit me with the graduation of some of the most important people in my life. When everyone scattered around the country, I openly worried that life would never be the same; I would never again find happiness in a place that reminded me of exactly who it was I was missing.
Lucky for me, I was wrong. The under-developed friendships that I had from previous years grew stronger and new relationships arose. I found happiness in other people, and I learned even more about who I was and what was important to me. With the end of the fall semester, I lost yet another close friend to distance. Devastated, I was yet again convinced that my final semester would be void of any pleasure, closeness, fun. I was wrong. I am having the time of my life in my last semester at Cornell -- which is exactly why I cannot enjoy myself fully. Fun is not supposed to come with an expiration date.
On May 30, 2010, I will graduate from Cornell and say my final goodbyes. I will give the final embraces and kisses to those people who have made my early 20's a time of much growth and fond memories. I will move on. I will be leaving behind those close to me, just like those to whom I was close left me behind last year.
So here I am, in February, both horrified by the prospect of leaving Cornell and anxious to follow the path that I have been paving for the past 21 years. I know that I will find a way to feel both of these emotions with less confusion as time passes. I wonder though, how I feel in one year from now. I have chosen to keep this online log for several reasons. I hope that it will help me to keep track of my emotions and progressions throughout the semester. I also hope that it will give me an easy way to share my happiest moments and saddest reflections with those who are important to me.
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